Photo for illustration

I don’t always visit Starbucks, but when I do, it’s impossible to find a seat.

It’s always full, yet empty, of people with Macbooks writing screenplays in public, I know I know, for what use is writing long pieces of art if no one is watching you do it right? Yes I see you writing, re-typing your first sentence over and over, while switching to other tabs.

Multiple tabs of blogshop switching on screen to hide the shame of spending 50% of a fat student loan on clothes and accessories to fill a wardrobe and never been used more than once. No, the empty notebook with the fancy pen on the table does not give that sophisticated image you seek to portray. Perhaps the cup of cold coffee that’s been sipped for 4 hours might do better.

The moment is unfortunately spoilt by the iPhone in one hand taking angled pictures of your workspace while choosing appropriate filters on Instagram. #CoffeeAddict #Starbucks #Caffeinism #wanderlust. Yes don’t talk to you until you have had your coffee in the morning.

An “active wear” attire huh. But Im confused, how do you go for any sort of active activity if you are in obvious 0.25 inch makeup and a plated hairdo, don’t wanna be wasting that 2 hours of effort preparing now do ya?

Oh! What a strategically placed basic bitch Kanken bag on the opposite chair to occupy it while saying:”oh I’m sorry I’m waiting for a friend” every time someone asks if it’s occupied. If anyone so much as hints a tinge of skepticism, a frantic attention diversion to a fake text on your phone shall do the trick! Tadaa…you now have the entire table and 3 chairs to yourself.

Hey, focus on your award winning broadway screenplay! Stop silently checking out other basic bitches in the cafe thinking to yourself, eww look at her shoes, that’s sooooo 2016, and it’s already June 17’. That is clearly represented when you deliberately cross your legs in an awkward and uncomfortable manner, sticking one calf out into the walkway to make your incredibly hipster unmatching shoes visible for the world to admire that they’re made of eco-friendly organic atheist gluten free transgender semi fabric recycled paper instead of regular shoe material. Which we all know was probably made by a child slave in Cambodia anyway.

Amazing, such wonderful aspiring budding influencers in their natural habitat, this is indeed first-rate Faves-asia’s recruitment ground. Such subtle rivalry and competition for attention with that occasional glance through the corner of your eyes at other fellow aspiring influencers.

Oh crap! Your eyes met! Not to worry~ nothing a simple eye-rolling and hair flicking cannot resolve. After all, both are thinking: that’s why I am never friends with girls, so much drama, my 4 best friends are all guys whom I know secretly have a crush on me but I act oblivious so that I get free ubers and zouk entries when I say ahh, I forgot my wallet I’ll pay you back I promise. But we know how that works.

Shit, she has a fancier outfit than me, and sitting in a better position than me. Hiding all that belly fat in the loose romper. I can’t lose. I shall text my amazing handsome boyfriend, get him out of bed to come say hi to me. That’ll show her. Hmm..which boyfriend should I ask?

Source: Nuswhisper


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