How can I avoid getting caned while visiting Singapore?


You can’t.

I’m sorry, but caning is part of our culture, please show some sensitivity and respect.

Caning is a crude and derogatory term – its official name is Rotan Gluteus Massage. It has a calming effect on the recipient, and has been widespread practice since time immemorial.

RGM is frequently used as a tool of rehabilitation by the judicial system, though some may experience it involutarily (we are a generous and hospitable country).

Scenarios may include:

Public practice of martial arts

Public practice of artistry

Uninvited persuasion of fund transfer

Uninvited persuasion of fund transfer, through the restraining other people

Lack of consumption of prata, laksa or other therapeutic food for any period greater than 3 days

Moving slower than the Minimum Public Speed Limit – 2 meters per second.

Some interesting history on Rotan Gluteus Massage:

Perfected by the British during Colonial times

Frequently practiced by parents on children, though it is waning

The term “caning” (it’s really rude) was the result of an overzealous Wall Street Journal reporter. His poor hearing led to mistaking Lee Kuan Yew as Lee Canes You.

“Singaporean ass massage is better than sex” Lyndon B Johnson, 1969

RGM has had a major influence on regional politics. Singapore attempted to soothe tensions during the Vietnam War. RGM was offered to South Vietnamese politicians, but it was rejected out of modesty. People were angsty, President Diem was killed, stuff happened and now Vietnam is Communist.

Mahathir’s longevity is often attributed to RGM applied by LKY. Frequent spankings kept him sharp, but now he appears to be growing senile.

Zimbabwe’s Mugabe often travels to Singapore for butt massages, but that made his army chief rather jealous.

“I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, “What’s the best butt massage”? And I tell them look, we know what the best butt massage is. We’ve had almost 300 years of the worst kind of massages you can imagine. Oh my god, I can’t believe it. Tapping and spanking of the butts the asses and the bums. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what the best butt massage is, do you want to know what butt massage is? I’ll tell you. First of all the butts, by the way I love butts. It’s probably my favorite body part – no, it is my favorite body part.

You know what, it’s probably more like boobs but with a lot of more thiccness behind it. A lot. If I’m being honest, I mean, if I’m being honest. I like butts. Except for Marco Rubio, now he’s an ass that I don’t like. Though, I probably shouldn’t say that. He’s a nice guy but he’s like, “woah nice rack”, on and on, like that. He’s like pornhub! You know what I mean? He’s like pornhub. I don’t know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these asses and we can tap them and spank them and smack them. Cane them even. Did you know that? We can tap them OR spank them, they don’t tell you that, and I’ll tell you, no one is better at butt massages than me. You wouldn’t believe it. That I can tell you. So, we’re gonna be the best on butt massages, believe me. OK? Alright.” Trump, 2017, on bilateral relations with Singapore

Singapore is falling apart due to a lack of RGM.

I sincerely have no clue as to why (and how) I wrote all these drivel

Just sit back and enjoy your caning in Singapore

Source: Quora post


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